I have been thinking a lot about the purpose of the studio and my writing and my yarn.

Black Ram Designs found a home on Main Street in Cabot Vermont earlier this year. I was looking for a place for my yarn and due to the pandemic, local yarn stores were only able to offer having my yarn on commission, which is great for them, they increase their volume of stock without the front end cost and pay out only what they have sold. For me, the yarn is no longer able to be connected to the process. It is just another yarn and depending on the knitter, you either know what you’ve got or not. Most likely not because there are not a ton of folks out there who actually know about yarn production, let alone sheep breeds, dying or designing for that matter. Like most things, knitting and crocheting has become segmented and disassociated from the natural product and process.

The other issue is that the yarn store sellers are there to sell yarn, very few produce or design or dye, so explaining what the yarn is all about is foreign. They can explain about the newest pattern you can upload from ETSY or Ravelry, they sell stuff and they market stuff, so if they are not into the story behind, then yarn is sitting on the self, like a new kind of exotic fruit you have never seen at the market. you might pick it up, smell it and then put it back because you have no idea what to do with it. Papaya comes to mind, or pomegranate. If you have never been shown a fresh one or eaten one straight from the harvest, if you have never seen one before, you might pick it up, but would you buy it?

So I made the decision to find a home for my stash. I asked around and called a few leads and met up with Jan the owner of the building who said he had a great deal for me. I could have the space for free. It had been used for an artisan gallery, but if failed due to being unable to find folks to staff it and there simply was not enough traffic coming through town. I would need insurance but could use the kitchen for dying, could use any of the furniture that was there, could paint the floor, and it had WIFI. So I took a year’s lease with the condition that I would tithe 10% of my sales. This is a creative space of transformation and a place for spiritual practice that allows me to balance after working a tough day with clients. If I happen to sell some yarn or a sweater or hat along the way, go me.

I have the studio open on Fridays and Saturdays so that I can then have the Sabbath and then go back into the emotional muck of the world as it is. I need two days of transformative space. At least two days.

Recently I have been all jammed up. I fell in April and bruised my rib, which has led to a cascading autoimmune flare-up and an IC flare up. I have been in remission for 3 and a half years, that is the longest remission since I was diagnosed some 28 years back. Seriously, 3.5 years of feeling like I was in the clear. But no, they don’t call it chronic for shits and giggles. It is back with a vengeance and I am scheduled for surgery on the 14th. I can’t/won’t do DSMOs because frankly my Dr. is in Boston and you have to treatments once a week, then be sick for a few days, feel better for a day or two, then repeat for 6 weeks. I generally last about 4-5 before I am just way too sick. So the next step is the Hydrodistention and then right back to VT to rest up for a few days before back to work.

The thing about knitting is that I always can and written/blogged to deal with my challenges. No matter how bad it gets, I can always knit and write. I might have to frog after or delete as required, but at least there is creation and expression. So being in the studio space should be a good place for me to regenerate.

But lately it has been a strain. I am not on the same page as the other folks, I am there for the treasure not the coin. And that seems to be a concept that I have failed to articulate. I have failed to find peace, but rather a sense of competition and finding my place in an established group rather than being independent. I have not lived in Cabot all my life, not seen the changes of the town. I am a newcomer. I have tried to make deliberate choices on how I interact with the public, I joined the volunteer fire department as the Chaplain, and go on calls and to the local church for service, but did not count on the intrusion of small town within a creative space.

Being in a flare limits my boundaries on being able to hold the space for myself. Frankly I can’t hold the space for others while I am needing to fill up my own. When I engage with folks who have a negative energy, I can generally put on a cloak around me and let it go through me or around me without affecting me. It is a learned skill from years of training, learning to hold the space, then letting go of it. But I don’t know how to open my space to create and express while also holding the space with others. I need to fill my cup by being creative and expressive, rather then trying to come up with ways to market myself and my work, trying to fill my purse with sales of yarn and sweaters instead of filling my soul.